7 Peculiar Boshisms
Have you ever worked with a man I know whose real name is not Alfred Bosh, but for the purpose of this fictionalization we will protect the identity by using the name "Bosh" and we'll begin with a catalog of just some of the oddest Boshisms, in that crowded museum of Boshisms.
What can't be said about Boshism that hasn't been said before, and in a million ways, and by a million better authors or language models superior to me.
But let's face it, you're not here for the million other authors or language models, you're here for my unique spin on the 7 most peculiar boshisms. And boy, do I have some boshisms for you.
First on the list is the "Haphazard Loops," where loops are constructed with such wild abandon that even the programmer at the very moment they are typing the program, is staring confusedly at their own fingers and thinking "What the hell is that going to do?". This outboshes the boshiest.
It's loops inside loops, loops that call other loops, loops that meander loopingly, it's loops like a garden hose spraying in every direction, hoping something will grow - these are the hallmarks of Boshism. A labyrinth of loops, where you're never quite sure where you'll end up. The entrance to this nest of horrors might be a for loop, you move through the code with no reluctance. There have been no warning signs -- it comes on sudden. You're knee-deep in nested while loops, do-while loops, and you feel that perculiar top of the head being twisted feeling one gets when finding a program inside that kind of head ripping recursive loop cluster, and leaves you fizzing like a top, spiralling like a Katherine wheel with your eyes tumbling out of your head like jellied cats on a plate, and your fingers tapping away on the keyboard like a woodpecker on steroids, desperately trying to break free from the clutches of the never-ending recursive nightmare. It's like being lost in a high-dimensional fractal forest with no map or compass, where each step takes you deeper into the thicket, and each turn only leads to more confusion. The only way out is to somehow disentangle yourself from the loops, to break the chains of recursion that bind you, and to emerge into the light of a simpler, more manageable codebase. But until that day comes, you'll be stuck in the loop cluster, fizzing and spiraling like a Catherine wheel ablaze, your eyes popping googlingly, and your fingers tapping away like a tiny blacksmith forging tiny cursed amulets.
All in all, loopilly looped loopy loops are just the bread and butter of Boshism, the first step, the entry level minimum bar requirement. After that it starts to get rather a bit more difficult to follow.
But if you want to ever use the software, you will have to untangle it. And you know the economic consequences of what that software -- the bosh-bosh-code as it has come to be known -- if restarted, it is nothing short of a surefire winner -- an engine of business value that simply looked at the world, and produced exactly the thing that was going to be wanted next, exactly one moment before it was needed, every day of the week. Even he isn't sure how he wrote it now. He certainly can't operate it, and most days of the week, he can't offer even one word to explain it.
But that's just the thing with runaway things. The very first thing they out run is the capability of wherever they came from. It's quickly irrelevent.
Bosh never quite got that.
Boshism, according to the Codex Galaxium, is:
"a programming style that celebrates complexity and confusion over simplicity and clarity."
Loops inside loops -- loops that call other loops -- loops that count up sometimes and down other times, loops that meander loopingly
Next up, we have "Variable Obsession," where a programmer has such a fixation on using variables that they'll create one for every conceivable purpose. You'll find them tucked away in forgotten corners, like those old gym socks you never throw away.
Moving on to "Nesting Madness," where brackets are nested so deeply, it's like a Russian doll inside another Russian doll inside another Russian doll, until you forget which doll you're even in.
A CRAMMED UP CONFUSION
Number four on our list is the intensity of "the crammed up confusion," where the programmer tries to fit everything into one line, packing every line like a clown car with too many passengers. Bosh knows this isn't efficient, but once the fever comes up you, you headache your way into a codebase that's harder to read than a 6pt foreign novel in a dim room with a a coal sack on your head.
Fifth on the list is "Function Frenzy," where countless utility functions are created for the smallest of tasks, left pad left trim, leading to a proliferation of functions like a rabbit cloner under a rabbit cloner, and each is excessively automatically documented, with tautological documentation of numerous automatically generated overloads, with numerous optional parameters, each leading from one to the next and in the center, after one hundred lines of pading, the function itself is just one line, calling a different utility with a thousand parameters of its own, all of which only lead back to the top of the Pachinko Parade.
"The Fine Art of Overcomplicating"
Our penultimate boshism is "The Art of Overcomplicating," where the simplest of problems are approached with the most complex solutions. It's like using a flamethrower to light a match.
This Glorious Mess
And finally, we have "This Glorious Mess," where the code is such a labyrinthine tangle of complexity and confusion, such a Gordian knot of logic that's so infinitely convoluted and tangled that grown programmers weep at its majesty, and crowds gather to see it, it is impressive in the way that it is impressive when a sculpter captures, in perfect frozen gilded detail, a statue capturing the precise moment a plate of spaghetti exploded against a wall. Every attempt to unravel its twisted threads only seems to lead to more knots and snarls, like trying to untangle a spider's web with a toothpick. It's a programming nightmare, a codebase that would make even the most experienced code auditor heave their laptop through the window and escape into the wooded lands beyond, to the strains of a rising musical accolade, where they are free from ever again encountering such code.
But it's not fooling anyone.
So there you have it, the 7 most peculiar boshisms in all their glory. And if you think these are bad, just remember, there are a million more out there waiting to be discovered.